4161 

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— 




Forbidden Fruit. 



Comedy in Three Acts, 



BY 



DION BOUCICAULT, Esq. 



rUA*$ I 



FOR PRIVATE USE. -NOT PUBLISHED OR SOLD. 



NEW YORK, 



18 7 6. 



♦ 




Forbidden Feiiit 



Comedy in Three Acts, 



BY 



DION BOUCICAULT, Esq. 



FOR PRIVATE USE.- NOT PUBLISHED OR SOLD. 



1 



J 






NEW TOEK, 



> 



°1#A 



1876. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1876, by Dion BouciCAVLT, in the 
Office of the Librarian of Congress, Washington, 



ACT I. 

Dove*s Chambers in the Temple. 



ACT II. 

A Railway Station. The Refreshment Room. 



ACT III. 

The Cremorne Hotel. 



ACT I. 

Scene. Cato Dove's Chambers in the Temple. Clerk's Office. 
R. H. Door in partition, R. C. Fireplace. Door. Podd dis- 
covered arranging papers, L. H. Bell Bings. Podd goes into 
Office, R. H. Opens door. Enter Zulu. 

Zulu. — Mr. Cato Dove? 

Podd (R. C. ) — Will you please to walk in, Ma'am. (Leads her 
into Chamber L. H.) This is his room, (C. behind table.) Is it 
anything I can attend to? I am Mr. Dove's Clerk. 

Zulu (R.) — No ; I wish to see him personally. 

Podd. — He is in the Court at present — we have a motion on the 
list this morning ! 

Zulu. — Is it anything interesting on the Brighton Scandal 
Case ? 

Podd (Handing Chair Jj.) — No, ma'am. That case stands over 
till Monday next. May I ask, are you concerned in that 
matter ? 

Zulu (Crossing to C. ) — Oh, very much ! 

Podd. — A witness, I suppose, ma'am. 

Zulu. — Yes, sir ; that is what I want to be. 

Podd. — For the defense, I presume. 

Zulu. — Wei], sir, so long as I am a witness, it don't matter to 
me. (Sits in Chair L.) 

Podd. — Yes, ma'am ; but you see it matters very much to the 
case. Are you an important witness? 

Zulu. — The more important the better — that is what I want to 
see Mr. Cato about ! I want to be well displayed ! 

Podd. — Well displayed, ma'am ! I don't quite understand ! 
(Bill rings — R. up stage in office.) Oh here is Mr Cato. (Cross- 
ing to office ) I know his pull at the bell — (Enter office) — a sort 
of snatch, as much as to say — It's me and I'm in a hurry ! 
(Opens door. Podd passes into outer office — opens door). Enter 
Mr. Cato Dove. 

Cato. — Any letters? (Down R, to desk, takes off his hat, 



gloves, and gives the n and his umbrella to Podd, who hangs them 
up at hick in office. ) 

Podd. — Yes, sir ; three, hir, and a lady. 

Cato (Standing at desk.)— Oh ! ( pening letter* in outer office 
and reading. ) Urn ! urn ! um ! What sort of a lady ? 

Podd (H. C.) — Very peculiar lady, sir. Some new evidence. 
— Zulu ( Walks round room — peeps into papers on table) in the 
Brighton Scandal case, strange lady, sir — says she wants to be 
well displayed. 

Cato (Reading and unfold in / a play'nll enc'osed in 2d letter.) — 
What's this? Another playbill. Who is this individual who 
sends me every day her woodcut — (reads playbill) — Mdlle. Zulu on 
the flying trapeze ! Greni of the Ring ? (Zulu who has been ex- 
amining room, and looking into drawers in table, now mounts on a 
chair L. HL up stage — to look at a portrait hanging against the 
wall. ) 

Zulu. — [ wonder who that is ! She has an ill-tempered mouth 
whoever she is. 

Cato (Opening another letter reads) — I forgot to enclose my 
photogragh. Zulu! (Takes Photograph, cabinet size, out of 
letter. ) 

Podd. — Oh, sir — 

Cato.— What? 

Podd. — She's in there ! ( Points to Boom L H. ) 

( 'ato. — Who ? 

Podd. — The photograph, sir ! the lady ! her as wants to be 
displayed ! 

Cato. — The original of this likeness — is in my room, waiting 
for me. Are you sure ? 

Podd. — Well, sir, the original in there has got so much dress 
and so little visible, and this likeness has so little dress and so 
much visible, that it is hard for me to swear ! 

Cato (After crossing to L. of Podd.) — What can a flying 
trapeze want with me? (After a moment's hesitation — he looks at 
the photograph and enters the room, finds her perch°d in the chair. ) 
What is she about ? I beg your pardon ! 

Zulu (Turning on chair.) — No apology. I was admiring the 
pluck of that old fellow, to sit tor his portrait at his time of life 
and in such a wig. What's his line of business? 

C\to (Going to back of the table.) — That is the Lord Chief 
Justice ! 



6 

Zulu (Leaping down.)— Thank ye. You don't mind my look- 
ing about, I hope ? 

Oato (Motioning her t the chair in front. He sits at table. ) — I 
am sorry to have kept you waiting ! 

Zulu (Advancing to L. C.) — No offence. I suppose you know 
me, so I need no introduction. 

Cato. - I believe I have the pleasure of receiving mademoiselle 

(Looking at playbill) Fooloo? 

Zulu. Zulu, sir, not Fooloo. Zulu ! 

Cato. 1 beg your pardon. Foreign names are rather con- 
fusing. 

Zulu. The flying Fairy of the Trapeze — the Geni of the Ring. 
I see you have received my card. 

Cato. I have received your card — yes, that is — I received 
a 



Zulu. Card de visite. 

Cato. Oh, yes — the photograph ! 

Zulu. You have not seen me at Cremorne ? 

Cato. I am ashamed to say — that is a pleasure to come. 
Zulu. I am the original projectile, sir, the first person that ever 
submitted to serve as a Cartridge in a Cannon. 
Cato (Rising.) Bless me my dear lady. 

Zulu. Yes, sir, I see the idea takes your breath away. You 
should see the faces of the public when the cannon is charged, and 
after leaping lightly on the tip of the muzzle and waving a grace- 
ful adieu to a crowd I slide down into the Monster's iron throat ! 
Hurried music in the orchestra- — a pause to pile up the agony — 
Fire, Bang ! I am shot in the air to alight like a bird on the rail 
of a rapeze ! The sensation is thrilling, I assure you ! 

Cato. I feel that effect from your description only. I shall 
take an early opportunity of being thrilled (Drawing chair close 
to her C.) 

Zulu. Much obliged, but to the business that brings me here. 
Mr. Cato, I have followed the great Brighton Scandal Case in 
which you are engaged, with the greatest interest. I never miss 
a day in Court ! 

Cato. All London is full of it. It is a painful exposure of the 
inner life of our upper classes. 



Zulu. Painful ! Sir, not at all. I am infatuated about it. I 
cannot get it oir of my head I dream of it. I breakfast and 
dine upon it. I know every one of your speeches by heart. 

Cato (Aside.) He ! he ! the girl is gone on me, this is a de- 
cided case. Ha ! ha ! I am glad my wife is not here ! 

Zulu. For three years I've worked hard to get well displayed 
before the public, and never obtained more than three lines in 
the Daily Press, but here, sir, everyoody is talking about the 
business and witnesses in this case, perfectly unknown people 
until you called them in the witness-box, once there they get 
columns of notice — I want to be a witness ! 

Cato. Dear me, madam, what do you mean % 

Zulu. I want to be iu the box, and have you talk to me, and 
make me tell all my life, Fve made out a lovely biography and 
I want to tell it ! Draw me out as you did that lady you ex- 
amined yesterday ! 

Cato But what has your Biography to do with the Brighton 
Scandal ? 

Zulu. No more than the Biography of that lady ; you made 
her confess a lot of things that had nothing to do with the case, 
but were so interesting. 

Cato. But how can you be connected with it ? 

Zulu. Nothing easier, I've thought of that ! You can ask me. 
(Ah, how well I know the tones of your voice.) "Miss Zulu, 
you are, I believe, an Equestrian Artiste V Yes, sir. 'One of 
the most distinguished and attractive in your profession ?" Yes, 
sir. "You remember last Christmas a gentleman sending you 
some very costly presents of jewelry?" Really, sir. 1 receive so 
many tributes of that description, I cannot, amongst the number, 
distinguish the particular gentleman to whom you allude ! 
' Come, come, Miss Zulu you must know, I mean the defendant 
in this case ; we are instructed that the defendent fell passionately 
in love with you last winter, lavished a little fortune on you in 
diamonds, besieged you with flowers?" I shall be covered with 
charming confusion, and you will make the most of it for the 
amusement of the jury. It will be delightful — you can keep me 
at it as long as you please ! 

Cato (Getting nearer to her.) It would be more delightful to 
enjoy your charming confusion here, as long as I pleased. 



8 

Zulu. Oh, Mr. Cato — how good you are and how I can 

scarcely believe my senses that I am really talking to you like 

this, and there you are ! It is not possible ! It can't be ! I'm 
afraid it is a dream ! 

Cato (His arm over the bach of her chair.) No, it is not a dream 
— or if it is — don't awake me. 

Zulu. Oh, that voice ! how it takes me back into court. What 
is the emotion that makes my heart throb and takes my breath 
away, when I am in court is it the depths of interest or the want 
of ventilation! (Cato takes her hand.) Oh, Mr. Cato don't 
misjudge me, I am not an ordinary woman. 

Cato. Oh, no ! (Leaning toward her.) 

Zulu. I am a bundle of nerves, an electro-flying machine ! 

Cato. I am sensible of the fluid! 

Podd. Their voices are got very low. I hope Mr. Cato is not 
o-ettinsr out of one scandal case into another ! 

Zulu. Mr. Dove, will you allow me to call you Alfred ? Will 
you pardon the liberty if I do % I'll tell you why. I had a 
friend, a very dear friend. Don't ask me wh it became of him, 
but whoever occupies the pedestal of my admiration at which he 
was the first idol. I call all my idols Alfred ! 

Cato. I should like to be Alfred the Great? (Bell rings. 
Cato rises.) 

Zulu How provoking ! 

Cato. (Aside ) I hope it is not my wife ! 

(Podd rises and goes to the door.) 

Zulu. You can see me any evening at Cremorne, or I could 
come any day here you might be disengaged. How good of you 
to waste your time on me ! 

(Cato listens at door C.) 

Podd opens the door. Enter Buster. 

Buster (C.) Dove in? 

Podd (R. ) Yes, sir, he is engaged with a client ! (They speak 
apart.) 

Cato. It is Mr. Sargeant Buster. (Returns to C.) 
Zulu We see him nearly every night at Cremorne ! 
Cato. You shall hear from me, 

Zulu. You won't forget me ? ( Zulu gjes to Fireplace L. and 
settles her hat in the glass, as they speak. ) 

Cato. Impossible ! 



Zulu. Alfred ! (Points to a portrait on the wall L. ) Who is 
that person 1 

Cato (Aside.) My wife. (Aloud.) That, oh, that is, a — 
Mrs. Buster. You see Buster occupies these chambers jointly 
with me ! 

Zulu Oh, that's Mrs. Buster; I'm sorry for Buster, she is a 
cat. {Enter Buster into L. H. room. Zulu pulls down her veil.) 
Good day. I hope I have not intruded on too much of your 
time (Going out) 

(Buster retires up C. ) 

Cato. Not at all ! (Following her to the door) Good day ! 

Zulu. Good day. (Slip bows to Buster, then says as she goes 
out. aside.) I am sorry for Buster. (Crosses office. Podd opens 
door for her ; Zulu exits Buster crosses to fireplace. Cato after 
s ■ •ing her out returns to L. H. room and shuts the door. Buster 
stands with bade to fire, turning faces Cato.) 

Buster, (Looks at Cato significantly.) If you have another 
client or two of that kind, I'll exchange with you a good — er — a 
railway case against one of them. 

Cato, (Crossing to table C. sits as he speaks.) My dear Buster, 
you are a dissipated luminary of the law. Your head is always 
running on petticoats. (Sits at table and begins fussing amongst 
hispapers ) I as>ure you that was a — a perfect lady, but I know 
your disrespect for the sex leads you to form ideas ! 

Buster. Cato, thou reasonest well ! What are you looking for ? 
(Advances to L. of table.) 

Cato. The Vice-Chancellor's opinion in re Tollemache. 
Buster, (Picks up Zulu's photo.) Is this it? (Hands him it.) 

Cato. Zulu ! 

Buster. Oh, it was Zulu? I thought I recognized her chin, 
and that equestrian swing in her walk — she cannot get — er — a — 
the trapeze out of it. My dear Cato, I congratulate you 1 

Cato. Now, Buster, really I don't like this kind of joke; it is 
in your way, 1 know — you go in for this sort of thing, but please to 
recollect I am a married man ! 

Buster. So am I, very much married. I — er — a don't know 
a man more married than 1 am ! ( Crosses to R ) 

Cato. I love my wife ! 

Buster. So do I; that is, when I say your wife, I mean my 
wife ! 



10 

Cato, (Rising and going to fireplaces). Yes, sir, everybody's 
wife — anybody's wife that will give you the slightest encourage- 
ment. 

Muster Cato, don't be a fraud; pull down your flag! How 
would you like this specimen of a client to be submitted to the 
scrutiny of Mrs. Cato Dove 1 

Cato Josephine ? 

Buster. Yes, Josephine ; the unhappy Josephine ; you design- 
ing Napoleon ! 

Cato. My dear Buster. (Meets him C.) 

Buster (R.) Confess, then, or I shall produce this evidence in 
court! (Cato tries to snatch the photo from him) Pull down your 
flag! 

Cato (L.) I — I ; yes, but I assure you this interview was 

•not my seeking ! (Goes up stage to table, followed bg Buster.) I 
never saw her before in my life ; never heard of her. T — I found 
her here, and (Down R.) 

Buster, (Following him.) Don't be mean Cato; don't he a 
coward as well as a fraud. r have seen her sitting in court every 
day. 

Cato. You have eyes everywhere. 

Buster. Yes, wherever there is a pretty woman ! I marked 
her down thought — er — a I had scored one, my wish was father 
to that thought ; 'twas you who were the object of her attention, 
not the deponent. V\ ell ? 

(During this sceneVoBH is stated at desk looking over playbill.) 

Cato. She wants to be a witness in the Brighton scandal case ! 

(Poking fire.) 

Buster, (Looking at photo.) I'll go down to Cremorne to-night 
and serve a subpoena upon her myself ! 

Cato. Don't be a fool ! 

Buster. It is the only character in which to approach a woman, 
effectually— it — er — a — reconciles her to the superiority of our 
sex. 

Cato. There is no resisting you ! 

Buster. 1 wish you could make the women think so my dear 
fellow ! But in the mean time it gives me the greatest pleasure 
to welcome you as a fellow sinner. Your fidelity to Mrs. D. ra- 
diated a kind of cold atmosphere of propriety around you that 
chilled my good fellowship ! 



11 

Cato. Mephistophiles ! 
uster. So, to inaugurate the occasion, let us make a night of 
it ; be a bachelor for twenty-four hours ! You have had too much 
cannubulating lately, a little change ot air will do you good ! 

Cato. But my wife? 

Buster. It will do her good ; you are running down dear 
boy ; you want tone. Your mind is getting contracted within the 
limits— er — a — of your hearthrug, where you are becoming a 
mere — er a — domestic machine, of which your wife is the motive 
power ! 

Podd (in the office). — If that woman comes slinging her trapeze 
here Mrs. Cato will give her an engagement. 

Cato (bringing Buster down). — That is perfectly true ! Buster* 
do you know she is growing terribly jealous 

Buster. — Do you know why 1 

Cato. — No. 

Buster. — You have never given her any cause ! 

Cato. — I can't follow your reasoning. 

Buster. — There is no reason in a woman's caprices. She is 
jealous because — er — a — she has nothing else to do ! 

Cato. — It is very ungrateful of her to suspect me, for I have 
not deserved it. 

Buster (R. ) — That's wrong. Deserve it — justify her suspicion 
and spare her your reproaches by taking her sin on your shoulders. 
The fact is, she finds you so perfect that .she is impatient to dis- 
cover a fault in you ; be generous — gratify her ! 

Podd (Stitl looking over the p 1 o J y-biU) — She wants to be well dis- 
played. Well, if Mrs Cato, his wife, catches her, she'll get all 
the display she wants. 

Cato (L.) — I dare not look at a woman in the streets, but my 
wife asks me what I see in her to stare at ? If I draw a deeper 
breath than usual, she wants to kuow what lam sighing about? 
If I put on a decent cravat when I go out, she inquires who I am 
dressing myself up to captivate ? I am afraid to have eyes, lungs, 
clothes. ( Grosses to R. ) 

Buster, — All your fault ! Look at my Arabella. Distrust is — 
er — a firmly established in her mind, and she is thus relieved from 
all anxiety. Put yourself under my treatment. I am an old 
practitioner. I shall send Arabella a note not to expect me home 
to dinner, as I have a consultation at er - a — let me see - at Not- 



12 

tinghara, this evening, which may detain me until to-morrow 
morning. So I shall tell her not to wait up for me in case I am 
detained ! 

Cato. — Does she stand that ? 

Buster. — Broke her in early. You must give the same excuse 
to your wife. 

Cato — I could not tell Josephine a lie if I tried. I should 
stammer, color up to the roots of my hair. I know I should. 

Buster — Then write her a note. Notes don't stammer Ink 
don't blush. 

Cato. — I am half inclined, only to give Josephine a lesson. 

Buster (Silting downH. <f table and tenting) — There is a charm- 
ing lady engaged in the same troupe with Zulu, Madame Closerie 
Diiilah. I am writing to her to join our party. You write to 
Zulu. We can secure a private supper room overlooking the gar- 
dens — supper for four — it will fce delightful ! 

Cato. — Egad ! I've a good mind. 

Buster. — Then don't change it. (Finishes letter.) That's done. 
She'll come. 

Cato (Sits to L of table. About to write) — What shall I say % 

BusTEt (Dictating) — To-night, after the performance, happy to 
see you at supper, in reference to your desire to appear as a wit- 
ness. 

Cato (writing). — At supper I 

Buster. Don't sign your name ; I never do. You ought to have 
an alias to sign it. 

Cato. I have one (signing) — Alfred. 

Buster (goes to door, calls) — Podd 1 

Podd. Sir? (Rises and crosses to door.) 

Buster. Post these letters immediately. (Hands letters to him). 

Podd. Very good, sir. 

Buster. Mo, wait a moment ; there are two other letters you 
may take at the same time. 

Podd. Shall I copy these into the letter-book, sir 1 (Going back 
to desk R. ) 

Buster, No! (Shuts the door.) What an old fool. (Returns 
to table. ) Now then sit down there and write to your wile, and I 
will w T rite to mine. 

Cato. Oh, lord 1 what shall I say? 



13 

Buster Follow my style. Affectionate, but off hand. Are 
you ready? 

Cato. All right. My hand trembles so 

Podd (Reading addresses) — Madame Closerie Dalilah, Mad- 
emoiselle Zulu, Robinson's Circus, Cremorne Gardens. (Holding 
letter in one hand and in the other the play -bill. ) I'm not surprised 
at uster. He always was a music hall Don Juan. He married 
his houskeeper, a decent woman, who made his home so respect- 
able he can't bear to live in it. But to think Mr. Cato should 
leave a pretty, lady-like, devoted wife for such an article as this. 

( Cato sits R of table. ) 

Buster. You must write to the same effect that I do. (writing). 
My angel — 

Cato (writing). My darling — 

Bcster. This infernal Brighton scandal case — 

Cato. This eternal Brighton scandal case — 

Buster. Obliges me to run down this evening to Nottingham — 

Cato. Calls me away to Nottingham this afternoon — 

Buster. To attend a consultation. 

Cato. To see a witness. 

Buster So do not wait up for me to-night after twelve. 

Cato. I may be detained very late — so you need not sit up. 

Buster. It is an infernal nuisance, old Girl. 

Cato. This is an awful bore, Ducky. 

Buster. Go to bed early. 

Cato. I shan't go to bed at all. 

Buster. Your own Charley — 

Cato. — Your devoted Catydid. 

(They fold — enclose and direct the Letters.) 

Buster. — There. Podd can take this letter to a commissionaire, 
who will deliver them about the hour we are supposed to be get- 
ting on board the train — (calls) Podd— (Rings a gong hell on the 
table.) 

Podd (Rises.) — Yes, sir. (Enters room.) (Cato goes to fire- 
place — leans on Mantel.) ■ 

Buster. — Take these letters to a Messenger and tell him to de- 
liver them ; there's the money ! (Hands him a piece of Silver.) 

Podd. — Yery good, sir! (Returns to inner Room.) 

Buster. — Well, Cato, how do you feel? 



14 

Cato. I don't know whether I feel frightened or happy, it is 
quite a novel sensation— it is like being in the Dock ! 

Podd (reading addresses) — Mrs. Cato Dove — Mrs. Charles Bus- 
ter! (Cato walks about — Buster follows him.) 

Cato. — A day of freedom — a whole Holiday ! 

Buster — Rule Britannia ! Britons never shall be slaves. 
Where shall we dine ? 

Cato. — I don't think I could eat a morsel just now ! My 
heart is up here, in my throat. (Returns to Mantlepiece, L. ) I 
must digest that before I could swallow anything — Buster ! 

Buster (R.)— What? 

Cato. — I am beginning to funk fearfully — what shall I say, 
how shall I look, when I return home ? Josephine will want me 
to give her chapter and verse for everything — I know her, she 
will expect a full account of all the consultation ! 

Buster. — Give her a page out of — a — a Chitty on Contracts ; 
she will never stand it to the end — a — a — I never could ! 

Cato. — Buster ! (faintly) where do you keep your Brandy ? 
Buster (goes up to the back C.) Here it is ; what's the matter? 
Flight? 

Cato — Yes, I think it is going for my stomach ! 

(Buster brings from a tin box, marked '' Private Accounts, ' 
two case flasks. ) 

Podd (In the office, having taken his hat and umbrella.) — Now 
to find the Messenger ! (As he opens the door — Mrs. Cato Dove 
and Mrs. Buster appear at it — coming in) — Mrs. Cato ! 

Josephine (Entering the Clerk's Office.) — Yes, I met Mrs 
Buster in Regent street, and we thought we might drop in and 
give our husbands a surprise ! 

(Enter Mrs. Buster.) 

Arabella (C. ) I suppose they are still in Court ? 

Josephine (B. C.) — No, Cato told me he would be home early 
to day ! 

Podd (R. ) — These letters are for you, Ladies. I was just tak- 
ing them to a Messenger. (Hands letters to the Ladies.) 

(Josephine takes letter and crosses to L. ) 

Josephine. — V letter for me ? (opening it.) 

Arabella (Takes letter down R.) — Some excuse, I suppose, to 
dine out, as usual ! (opening hers.) 

Josephine (Beading. ) — Oh, dear ! what is this ? Going out of 
Town ? 



15 

Akabella. — Nottingham ! that means out all night ! 
Podd (C. ) — The gentlemen have not started yet — they are in 
there, at work. 

Buster (To Cato.) — Take it straight — 
Josephine. — Are they very busy? 

(The two men drink out of the flash.) 
Podd. — They have a case in hand, I believe ! 
Buster. — D'y e ^ ee ^ better ? 
Cato. — I think I've got it under ! 

(Buster goes behind table C. ) 

Arabella. — Shall we interrupt them ? 

Josephine. — Pear old Catydid — he works too hard! I'll ask 
him to take me down to Nottingham with him ! 

(They enter the R. H. Room.) 

Cato. — Josey ! 

Buster. — My Wife ! 

(They hide the flasks in their Coat pockets.) 

Josephine — How pale he is ! (crosses to L.) My dear, really 
you are overdoing it. Isn't he overdoing it, Mr. Buster? 

Buster. — That is — er — a — just what I have been talking to him 
about — he should give himself a Holiday ! 

Josephine — What is this dreadful news *? You are obliged to 
go to Nottingham ? 

(Arabella goes up — Buster down R.) 

Buster (R.) — You see how it affects him ! Ever since I told 
him that he must go — he has been like that ! 

Podd. — Now to post this letter to Mrs. Dalilah ! (Puts on his 
hat, takes his umbrella and goes out.) 

(Arabella (C. back of Table.) — I smell Brandy, strongly — 

Buster. — Brandy impossible ! (aside) I forgot to cork it, and 
it is overflowing in my pocket ! (aloud) Oh, true, I forgot; Dove 
felt queer and took a nip ! 

Josephine. — Darling ! I cannot let him go alone ! 

Cato. — Josey, I must do my duty- -but duty must be done with- 
out flinching ! (crosses to L. C. ) 

Buster. — England expects that every man this day shall, do- his 
duty ! 

Josephine. — Can't I go and do it with you, dear ? 

Cato. — No, we start immediately. Buster, when do we start? 

Buster. — By the five o'clock Express — -we may be detained all 
night ! 



16 

Josephine and Arabella — All night ? 

(Arabella clown C. ) 

Buster (R. C ) — There is no knowing what circumstances may- 
arise. We are going to attend the bedside of an invalid witness 
in our great case ? 

Joephine, — That horrid Scandal ! 

Buster. — Her evidence is vital ! 

Josephine. — Her ! Is it a she? (Crosses to C. ) 

Buster. — An aged lady of ninety-two. 

Josephine. — 'Oh ! (relieved) ninety-two ! 

Buster. — Last birthday ! 

Arabella (aside) — Buster is lying! T> ere is an assumption of 
stupidity about his mout , that he always prepares, when it 
frames a lie. 

Josephine. — But can't I go with you, dear? Do let me, you 
won't find me in the way a bit ! 

Cato (L. aside) — Oh, Lord, wouldn't I ? (aloud) My precious, 
do be reasonable, bear up, don't add to my difficulties — how could 
you leave time without a — a — a 

Buster. — A toothbrush — er — a — frisette, or — a — a razor? 

Josephine. — I can drive home and pack my traveling bag ! 

Buster.— *-We have not more than forty minutes to catch the 
Express. 

Josephine (Skimping with childish grief) Oh ! oh ! what shall 
I do all this evening alone ? 

Cato. — My angel! (They speak aside at fireplace.) 

Arabella (ivho 7ias been watching Buster) — Charley, dear 

Buster — What does my Bonanza want? 

Arabella (Taking him aside) — One lawyer is quite enough to 
get the evidence of this old party at Nottingham. Cato Dove will 
go down alone — he is your Junior Counsel ; it is his business to 
get up the case. 

Buster. — My beauty, I — er — shall be wanted ! 

Arabella. — Yes, /want you at home to-night, and home you 
must be, that is if you wish me to sign these papers. (Produces 
deed. ) 

Buster. — What's that? 

Arabella. — The conveyance of the land you are selling at 
Paddington. 

Buster. — Oh, true, has — er — a the attorney sent the deed ? 



17 

Arabella. — Yes, here it is, he came with it to me this morning 
to obtain my signature. 

Buster. — Oh ! a mere matter of form. 

Arabella. — Precisely — but without that mere form, you can't 
sell the land and get the money, can you? 
Buster. — Er — a well a 

Arabella, — You can't. I know it — now if you dine at home like 
a good boy, and take me to the opera afterwards, I will sign the 
paper before I go to bed to-night ! 

Buster — What insect have you got down your back, my 
darling ? 

Arabella. — No matter about the insect, you know my terms. 
(Goes up R., crosses over to L. behind table.) 

Buster (aside ivith conviction) — She is a very superior woman. 

Josephine. — Will you promise to send me a telegram from 
Nottingham the moment you arrive there ? 

Cato. — But my angel, I shall be back so soon. 
Josephine. — No matter I want to be sure you are thinking o* 
me, and not of anyone else. 

Cato.— Oh ! oh! as if I could — you will get the message by — 
let me see — Buster, when can Josey get my message from 
Nottingham 1 

Buster. — From Nottingham? Arrive Nottingham 8 o'clock) 
and give two hours — say two hours — for transmission and de- 
livery — well, about 10. 

Josephine. — I shall put it under my pillow and cry myself asleep 
over it ! (She embraces him and cries.) 

(Buster goes up R.) 

Cato (speaking over her shoulder) — Oh ! (aside) — 'Pon my 
life, it is too bad, I can't stand this much longer! 

Buster (R.) — There, Mrs. B., look at that picture of connubial 
confidence ! Why don't we assume occasionally that attitude. 

Arabella. (C.) — Because we should laugh over each others 
shoulders, Mr. B. 

Buster (aside, coming down R.) — She is a very superior 
woman. 

(Cato goes up to table). 

Josephine. — Since you must let me see the last of you, I can go 
with you to the station, can't I ? Do let me 1 



18 

Cato (making up papers in a roll.) — Certainly, my dear, of 
course, it will be very much out of your way — we must take a 
Hansom cab, and I — I don't like you to be seen in Hansom 
cabs — it looks so fast — Don't it look fast, Buster? 

Buster. — Very bad form, indeed. (Crosses to fireplace). 

Cato (R. of table) — Even coupes are going out, aint they, 
Buster? 

Buster (at fireplace) They are railed loose boxes! 

Josephine (L. of table) — They may call them what they like. I 
am going to the station with you in your Hansom cab, in de- 
fiance of all the proprieties! When you took me to Mabille in 
Paris on our wedding trip, I was timid — but you overruled my 
objection by saying: "If a married woman can't defy proprieties 
under the protection of her husband, what's the advantage of the 
bonds of wedlock, she obtains her freedom from prejudices by 
giving up her liber y." I got your very words by heart ! 

Cato. — My love, of course I shall be delighted— (cmYZe). What 
the devil shall I do now? (Aloud) — How are you going Buster? 
Aeabella (R.) — Mr. Buster is going with me ! 
Buster (aside.) — Taken in charge. 
Arabella. — Mr. Podd. 
Podd (at door.) — Yes, ma'am ! 
Arabella — Please call up two Hansom Cabs ! (goes up.) 

Buster (crosses to door. ) -Two cabs, Podd — pick out clean 
ones (Leaning out of door .) — Hist, Podd! 
Podd.— Sir ! 

Buster (whispers.) — Don't post that letter to Cremorne ! 
Podd. — It is gone, sir ! 
Buster. — Oh, Lord ! 

Podd (going out.) — I see, Mrs. Buster has served a writ of ne 
exeat on the sergeant ! 

The two ladies look into mirror over mantel-piece. Cato joins 
Buster R.) 

Cato (R. C. aside to Buster.) — Buster — here's a go! 
Buster (R.) — Yes, it is a go to Nottingham ! 
Cato. — What on earth shall we do there ? 

Buster. — Arabella has cornered me — I can't accompany you. 
Cato. — What? Oh, I say — I'm not going to be expressed to 
Nottingham ! What's to be done ? You got me into this scrape. 
Buster. — I like that — didn't I find you in it? Over head and 
ars in it — with Zulu ? 



19 

Cato. -leant go wandering about the Midland Counties all 
night. What's to be done ? I feel like a drowning man ! 

Re-enter Podd into office. 

Buster. — Then don't struggle — lie on your back and think — stop ! 
could not yon get rid of her at the station, and slip out, leaving 
the train to start without you ? 

Cato.— Splendid— I'll do it ! 

Podd {looking in. ) — The cabs are at the door, sir ! (He retires. 

Josephine. — Now, darling, I am ready. 

Arabella. — Now, Charley, give me your arm ! 

Josephine. — Poor Caty, he does look sorry to go ! Well, that is 
some comfort, I never saw him look so vexed. Don't dear. 
There, I won't leave you till I see the train off ! 

Cato (aside.) — Oh, Lord ! (He looks desparingly at Buster.) 
Josephine. — You shall see the very last glimpse of me ! 
Cato (aside) — I am in for it. There is no escape ! What a 
night I shall pass ! 

Arabella. — Xow ; Sergeant, I am yours until to-morrow ! 
Buster [aside) — Oh, Lord ! What a night we both shall pass ! 

THE ACT DROP FALLS 
AS THEY GO OUT. 



20 



ACT II. 

Scene — The refreshment saloon of a railway station. Large glass 
doors at back L. H. looking out on the street. " Ladies' Waiting 
Room" ~R. H. Refreshment counter R. H. at back. Door L. H. 
2d E. Entrance to railway platform. Girl discovered behind 
counter K. Enter Capt. Derringer and a railway Porter carry- 
ing his valise L. H. D. 

Derringer (R. C.) — Leave my valise there, and call me a cab. 
Porter (Places valise up L. ) — A Hansom, sir, or a 4-wheeler? 

Der. (Crosses to R.) — How delightful is that familiar sound I 
A Hansom cab 1 It is four years since I rode in one. (Back to 
C.) No, my friend — get me a 4- wheeler, as I have my luggage 
here — it will be more convenient. 

Por. — All right, sir. (Exit D. in F. and qfR.) 

Der. (Grosses to L.) — Home again, alter four years in India. 

How green the fields looked as we swept along — how cheerful 

every face appeared ! 

(Railway Porter outside heard to whistle and cry) : 

Por — Four-wheeler ! 

Der. — Nothing changed since I left this very railway station in 
'72. I think I can recollect that very girl behind the counter ; 
they have not chaDged her. Dear old England ! with all my 
faults, I love thee still ! ( Takes out a cigar.) Yes, nothing 
changed — (Up C. to counter) — I recognize those cakes under a 
gla s case — they are the very same! (To the Girl.) My dear, 
can you give me a glass of ale ? 

Girl. — Yes, sir, if you please. 

Der. — Can you oblige me with a match to light my cigar? 

Girl. — No matches, sir. Smoking is not allowed in this room 
— it is against the company's rules. 

Der — Of course ; dear old prejudices — fine old crusted conser- 
vative habits. (Feels in his packet.) If I had a piece of paper 
I might get a light at this lamp. (Tokes out a letter, rolls it up.) 
I never knew an English rule could not be covered with half a 
crown. (Lights the paper at a lamp R. ) 



21 

Girl (R. C. serving him). — Glass of hale, sir — three pence — 

Hallcopp ! 

Der. — Glass of hale — Hallsopp's hale; there's ten shillings — 
pray keep the change — and the H's. 

Girl. — Hoh, sir ! 

Der. — Her sweet cockney voice is worth the money ! (He 
throws down the letter half consumed, and treads upon it — taking up 
glass.) My dear, here's a good husband to you I (Drinks.) 

Girl. — I've got an 'usband, sir. 

Der. — Then here's a second one with an H, for a change. 
(Drinks.) By Jove ! (Crosses to L.) what a surprise my arrival 
will be to my sister, Josephine. I hope I shall not find her 
changed after so long an absence, but marriage doas make such a 
difference in women ; it makes none in men ; that's natural, of 
course. I wonder what sort of a fellow her husband is — (crosses 
up to C. to finish ale. ) — Dove, — what a name for a chap — 
and for a lawyer, too. I think she says in her letter he is a law- 
yer or a doctor — I forget which. (Drinks.) Well, I never 
thought Josey would have thrown herself away on a lawyer — 
(down R. ) — when she might have had her pick of the army list ; 
now if she had married a sawbones, he might have joined a regi- 
ment ! 

(Re-enter railway Porter, D. in F. ) 

Por. (up L.) — Here is your 4-wheeler, sir. (Picks up the va- 
lise.) Where shall I tell the driver to take you, sir ? 

Der (R. ) — Oh, true, my sister's address ; I forget the number 
— it is in her letter — (feels in his pocket) — at the top of her 
letter — the only one I have received from her these twelve 
months. Where have I put it? — (crosses to L. C.) — it was cer- 
tainly in this pocket. Oh. the deuce ! (Turns up.) I can't have 
lighted my baccy with it, surely ? (Picks vp the half consumed 
letter.) I have though, here it is ! (Beads.) "Your affectionate 
sister, Josey " — but the address is burned off ! What's to be 
done now ? Oh, stay ! (Turns to the Girl ) Will you oblige me 
with a look at your directory ? 

Girl (C. ) — We don't keep one, sir. 

Por. (L. ) — You will find one at the newspaper shop, there's 
one in the next street — I'll .^how the driver where it is. 

Der. (R.) That's a good fellow. Dove 1 There cannot be 
many doves in London 1 I shall look down the list of Doves 



22 

in the directory, and easily pick out my brother. I hope the human 
Dove does not take after the prolific bird {going up), or I shall be 
hunting Doves all day long. 

Por. {going up. ) - This way, sir. 

As they go up, enter Zulu D. in F. from R. 

Zulu {down R. ) — How provoking! I've just missed the 4.40 
train 

Der. (L. C. ) — By Jove — what a splendid girl ! 

Zulu {To Der ) — Can you tell me, sir, if the five o'clock down 
train stops at Barnet ? I want to go to Barnet, 

Der. — Would you accept a share of my cab? 

Zulu. — Sir! what do you take me for? But perhaps 'tis I 
who am mistaken. Are you not a railway official ? 

Der (L ) — Unfortunately, no. I wish I was. I am only a 
lieutenant of artillery. 

Zulu (R.) — Oh, sit, a thousand pardons — you have a sort of 
uniform look that deceived me ! 

Der. — Don't mention it. Can I be of service ? 

Zulu. — I have a letter for a lady who resides at Barnet — Mad- 
ame Closerie Dalilali — it is an invitation to supper to-night, at 
Cremorne, and it must be delivered to her in time. 

Der. — Cremorne, Dalilah — surely her name is familiar to me. 

Zulu. — Mine is not unknown to fame, sir — I am the great Zulu ! 
{The P orter drops the valise.) The Geni of the Ring. I may 
say, sir, that I'm in the artillery, also — for we have a real gun- 
ner in his full uniform to fire me off every night. 

Der. {bowing.) — I wish I was the target. 

Zulu. — I trust to rank you amongst my supporters ; but how 
shall I get this letter to Closerie ? 

Por. — Why don't you telegraph? 

Zulu. — I never thought of that ! 

Por. — There's an office inside on the platform — it's only a shil- 
ling message. 

Zulu ( Crosses to R. H. ) — I could have done that at Chelsea. 
How thoughtless I was to come all this way when I might have 
spared myself the trouble and the cab fare. 

Der. (R. ) — Allow me to bless your thoughtlessness, as it be- 
stows on me tne pleasure of your acquaintance. 

Zulu. — Oh, sir. {Aside.) What a nice man ! 

Der. {bowing ) — Hoping we shall meet again, allow me to offer 
you my card. 



23 

Zulu. — Here is mine. Always at home, in the rincr, from nine 
to ten P. M. 

Der. — True, I forgot ! [Hinds her a card.) 

Zulu.— Reserved seats, half a crown ! (Hands him a p 1 ay -bill 
Courtesies and exits L. Derringer opens bill and goes out reading, 
C. Porter goes with him leaving the valise.) 

Girl — Well, the imperance of that woman ! to go and make 
the acquaintance of such a splendid young man off-hand like that ! 
What he could see in her. (Railway Porter returns). Did you 
see that. Jim ? 

Porter — What — See her fired off at Cremorne Circus? Yes, 
and there's no fraud about it neither — real powder — the public feels 
of it afore it goes into the big gun — a real soldier to touch it off 
She's a regular good plucked 'un. I tell you ! 

Girl. — Good plucked I I should think she was? See her fire 
herself off at the gentleman? 

(Enter Mr. and Mrs. Cato Dove, and Mr. and Mrs. Buster.) 

Josephine (It. ) — Ten minutes to five. I wish we had been too 
late ! 

Buster (C.) — Now, ladies, you had better sit down in the 
waiting-room, while Cato and I get the tickets ! 
Jos. — I'll go with him. 

Buster — By no means I'll go. He can stay with you ! 

Jos. — My dear Sergeant, how good you are. 

Cato (R. C.) — What is the fare? No matter ; there's a five 
pound note ! 

Buster (Aside to Cato). — It is all right. I have thought of a 
rescue — leave it to me. (Exit L. H. door). 

Arab. L , looking after him.) — My mind is not that easy it 
ought to be ; Buster does not inspire me with confidence. 

Cato (Aside, mossing to R ) — A rescue ! What does he mean? 
(Aloud.) This way. my dear! (Going to waiting-room.) 

Girl. — Beg pardon, sir. no gentlemen are admitted there ! 
That's the rules of the company. 

Jos. (R C ) — What a shame ! 

Girl. — There's a gentleman's waiting-room, second door on the 
right. 

Jos. — That will do ! (Going L with Cato and Arabella.) 

Girl. — -Bag pardon, ma'am, no ladies are admitted there ! 

Ahab. — The sexes are committed to solitary confinement. 



u 

Cato.— That's the rule of the company. (Enter Conductor of 
the Train, who goes to refreshment bar and drinks. ) My dear, you 
can't stop here in a drinking saloon; wait inside a moment until 
Buster returns. 

Josephine and Arabella enter room R. H. Re-enter Buster. 

Buster (L.) — Here's the tickets. (Gives him a railway ticket. ) 

Cato (II.)- — What's this? Why this is a ticket to Hornsey. 

Buster. — Hush ! Don't you see, your wife will see you off by 
the Nottingham Express I find the train will stop at Hornsey, 
two miles off you jump out ; return here and meet me at Lremorne. 

Cato — But she will expect to receive a telegram from me to- 
night from Nottingham. 

Buster — I've fixed that all right (Ccdls) Conductor 1 

Conductor (C.) — Yes, sir. (Touches his cap and advancing ) 

Buster. You go with the five o'clock Express to Nottingham? 

Con. — Yes, sir. 

Buster. — Could you send a telegram for this gentleman when 
you arrive there , and accept this sovereign for the trouble ? (Gives 
him money.) 

Cox. — Certainly, sir, there is a telegraph office at the Notting- 
ham station. Where is the message 1 

Buster (Cross to C. To Cato). — Go and write it — quick, you 
have not a minute to lose. Don't stand there like an idiot. 

Cato (Crosses to C.) — I feel like one ; all this is so complicated. 

Con (L. ) — This way, sir. 

Cato (Going L. ) — I'm so contused. I don't know what to 

fay 

Buster (Following him to L. ) — Make it hot and strong, with a 
squeeze of despair 1 

Exit Cato, L. H. D. with Conductor 

Buster (Returning to C.) — I would write it for him, but my 
style is too high flavored. Now, Cato, will come back and we 
can have a glorious carouse. I have extricated him splendidly 1 
That move is Napoleonic, and he does not appreciate it! Yet 
nothing is more simple. After a painful parting, I tear the two 
ladies away and carry them home, and in ten minutes Cato will 
return here, while the telegram is speeding to Nottingham, from 
whence it will be dispatched to-night, affording legal evidence of 
his presence a hundred miles from London, while he will be enjoy- 
ing a rosy time ! Oh, stolen hours are sweet ! 

(Re-enter Josephine R. H. door). 



25 

Jos. (R.) — Where's my husband ? 

Bus. (C. ) — Gone to buy the evening paper — (Rs-enter Arabella 
R. H. door) — and a work of fiction ! 

(Re-enter Zulu L. H. door). 

Zulu. — That is done. I hope Closerie will come ; I am sure 
she will ! 

Bus. (Aside). — Zulu, by all the artillery. 

Arab. (R.) — (measuring Zulu). — What a very loud person! 
Josephine, my dear, Cato was right — this is not a proper place 
for us! (Crosses tj R. C ) Serjeant, give me your arm ! 
(Dpi,) 

Jos. (R. aside). — How the creature stares at me ! I hope she is 
not going by the same train as Cato. 

Zulu. — Why, surely, 'tis Mr. Buster ! 

(Re-enter Cato L. H. door). 

Cato (crosses to R C.) — I have secured a corner seat. 

Jos. — I hope you are going in the smoking carriage. 

Cato. — My dear, I don't smoke. 

Jos. (R. C. ) — No matter! I insist on your going in the smoking- 
carriage ! — (Aside). — There are no ladies admitted there ! — rules 
of the company. 

Cato (C. aside). — Zulu, the devil ! 

Zulu (aside). — Alfred ! 

(Porter appearing at L. H. door). 

Por. — Now, sir ; if you are going to Nottingham you have no 
time to lose. — (Business). 

Zulu (aside crosses to R.) — Going to Nottingham! but how 
about our supper to-night ? 

Cato. — Come, Josey, don't you hear ? Oh, Lord ! (B -11 heard 
outside). 

Por. (shouting at door L. H.) — Passengers for Bedford, Not- 
tingham, Leeds and the north. (Disappears). 

(Exit Josephine and Cato L. H. door). 

Arab. — Serjeant, that person knows you and Cato ! Who is 
she ? 



26 



Bus. — My dear, she is — er — a — simply — a — a witness in our 
scandal case ! 

Arab. — Yes, sir ; I should say she has been witness of a good 
many. (Look at her with her glasses.) 

Zulu (to the Girl at the bar). — One of the penalties public 
people have to endure, is being stared at by the crowd. 

Arab, (aside). — Impudent baggage! (Aloud). — Come, Serjeant! 
(hxit L. H. door). 

Bus. (hastily). — Have you received the letter? 

Zulu. — Of course, I have ; and have invited my friend to 
supper ! 

Bus — All right ; we shall be there ! 

(Re-enter Arabella L. H. door). 

Arab. — Sergeant ! 
Bus. — My dear ! (Exit with her L. H. door). 

Zulu. — She has got the whip hand of him. Well, to see that 
man in court — brow-beating the judges, bullying the witnesses, 
and laying down the law to the juiy, and then see him here 
cowed by a petticoat — ODe would never think it was the same 
person. (Mtmickiny). Serjeant, my dear ! (Lxit L. H. door). 

(Re-enter Derringer (C. ) with a paper in his hand). 

Der (R. C.) — I found half a column of Doves in the directory 
— here they are — 27 of them beginning with Aaron and ending 
with William Dove. I forget my Dove's name. I thought it 
was a Caasar or Brutus. Where the deuce shall I begin ? 

(Re-enter Josephine L. H. door). 

Jos. (L.) — He has gone, dear old boy — he recovered his 
spirits just at the last ! 

Der. (K) — I must take a cab by the hour and call on every 
Mrs. Dove on the list ! 

Jos. — Dove, who's this? Why, oh, I cannot be ! 

Der. — I'll knock one over after the other ! Let me see ! 

Jos. — It is— it is ! 

Der. — I will begin with Mrs. Dove, 24 Bedford Square. 

Jos. — No, begin with Mrs. Dove, 62 Boston Road. 

Der. — Sure, it isn't ! 

Jos. — Yes, it is ! 



27 

Der. — Josey ! 

Jos. — My dear Jack ! (They embrace). 

Der. — Lord, what luck ! why, do you know, I burned your 
letter by mistake, and forgetting your address, I was preparing to 
look up every Dove in London. 

Jos. — But why did you not write to tell us you were coming? 
we have not heard irom you since my marriage. 

Der. — The truth is, I was laid up with a touch of sunstroke, 
invalided for six months. I did not like to spoil your honeymoon 
with bad news. As soon as I regained my feet, they gave me six 
months leave, and I thought to take you by surprise. 

Jos. — Dear old Jack ! I am glad to see you — how fat you 
have grown ! 

Der. — Yes — the sunstroke seems to have agreed with me. 
Jos. — Mad as ever ! 

Der. — But you must present me to your husband. Where is 
Dove? 

Jos — You arrive just in time to miss seeing him. He was 
here ten minutes ago. He has just started for Nottingham. 

Der. — I am not sorry to have you all to myself for a few days. 

Jos. — Oh, but you won't — he returns to-morrow. 

Der. — Then let us make the most of to-day — you belong to 
yourself to-day — you are your own mistress ! 

Jos. {laughing). — And when my husband is here — I'm the 
master ! 

Der. — Wnat a happy fellow ! What's his name ? Scipio ? 
Jos. — Cato. 

Der. — True — I forgot. I knew it was something with an 0. 
Well, we must spend the day together. 
Jos. — We'll make a night of it ! 
Der. — So we will. 

Jos. — Oh, what fun ! (Kisses him.) 
Girl.— Oh ! 

(Reenter Zulu L. H. door. ) 

Zulu. — I heard a familiar sound. Who's kissing so loud here ) 
— it is against the rules of the company. (Josephine crosses to R.? 
Oh, it is my gunner ! 

Der. (C.) My lovely bombshell ! 

Zulu. — He is making the acquaintance of every girl he meets. 
Well, he did not get on as fast with me — she can't be much ! 
Jos. (R. aside to Der. ) — Do you know this woman 1 



28 

Zulu. — Woman ! No more a woman than you are, ma'am — 
and much more of a lady. Good day, sir. [Aside. ) Just like 
these common soldiers ! [Exit C. ) 

Jos. — Oh, let us get away from this place as soon as possible. 

Der. — Never mind her. Let us not mind anybody but our two 
happy selves. Recollect I have been four years away. Let us 
get a cab, and enjoy the rest of the day like two schoolboys. 
First, we'll dine at Richmond. 

Jos. — I must go home, then, and change my dress. 

Der. — I allow you fifteen minutes for the toilette. 
Jos. — I'll make as much haste as if you were my lover. 
Der. — Of course, you wouldn't hurry for a husband. After 
Richmond, we'll go to the Alhambra. 

Jos. — Oh, Jack, is that proper? 

Der. — Proper ! It is the swell thing to do. There's a ballet, 
and I can smoke in the back of the box. 

Jos. — I shall lose my reputation. 

Der. — Leave it there — plenty of people in that place want one. 
Then, after the Alhambra, we'll go to Cremorne. 

Jos. — Out of the frying pan into the fire. Jack, I dare not 
do it. 

Der. — We can engage a private room overlooking the gardens 
— have a quiet little supper, and enjoy the fun. 

Jos. — Enjoy the fun ! What a heartless creature I should be 
to enjoy any fun while poor Cato is shaking and jolting along all 
night in that horrid railway carriage, on his road to Nottingham ! 

Der. — Do you think he would hesitate to embrace such an occa- 
sion as this because you could not share it? 

Jos. — My dear Jack, you don't know him. I am his only oc- 
casion. He would embrace nothing whatever but me ! 

Der. — What a monotonous kind of a person he must be ! Well, 
Josey, I'll be responsible for all the fun you will enjoy and I stick 
to my programme. Here is the ladies waiting-room; you must 
stay in here while I call up a cab. 

Jos. — Don't be long. (Exit into R. H. room.) 

Re-enter Buster, C. L. 5 he is nearly knocked down by Derringer. 

Der. — Can't you see where you are blundering to 1 
Buster. — Sir. I was just about to address the same question 
to you ! 

Der (under his breath) — Stupid old tailor ! (Exit.) 



29 

Buster (calling after him. ) — Why tailor ! I don't perceive any- 
thing either ridiculous or degrading in the imputation — you may 
see it in that light — I don'tl (Comes down L.) If he had waited 
I could have called him a volunteer, or a marine ! These good 
ideas always occur to a fellow alter he has lost the opportunity of 
expressing them. I have slipped through the matrimonial noose. 
When I got Mrs. Busttr into the cab outside the station, I had a 
happy thought. " Arabella," I said, "we are close to the Agri- 
cultural Hall, where the Horse Show is ij full force — the Royal 
Family will be there." (I baited the trap with that succulent lie.) 
" Shall we go f ' She was delighted, and we drove to the Exhibi- 
tion. Two reserved seats in the gallery cost me half a sovereign. 
I had four pounrls remaining of Cato's capital, so I did not mind 
the expense. When Arabella was safely squeezed in, after wading 
past forty people eighty knees, I jammed her in a remote stall, 
and waited beside her for an opportunity of giving her the slip — 
it soon came. She admired a pair of ponies — miserable rats, but 
they had long tails, and that captivated her. " Bella, ' I said, 
'• you have taken a fancy to these pair of ponies? They shall be 
yours !" "Buster," she cried, " you don't mean it !" "Mean it," 
said I, you shall see, and I waded out. (Looks at his watch.) Let 
me see, it will take me to examine these ponies and get a medical 
certificate that they are both unsound in every limb, will take me 
three quarters of an hour 1 

Re-enter Cato. He is dressed in a long linen duster, and has a 
soft broad-brimmed hat. 

Cato — I have returned. 

Buster. — Cato, where did you pick up that envelope ? 

Cato. — At the station at Hornsey. They sell them at the book- 
stall ! Where's my wife % 

Buster. — Safely at home ! 

Cato. — What a relief. I can breathe freely 1 now I am getting 
accustomed to the excitement, the sense of danger being past, I 
rather like the feeling ! 

Buster. — Don't you feel like a bird ? 

Cato. — Yes, but while my wife was in sight, the bird felt he 
was within shot, and the sensation is very unpleasant I 

Buster.— Now you have an entire evening to enjoy yourself in 
our old bachelor fashion ! 

Cato — Yes. What shall we do to begin with? 

Buster Well, I must return to Arabella, (looks at his watch,) 

time's up. (Those ponies wont carry me any longer. ) I left her 
at the Horse Show ! 



30 

Cato. — You are not going to desert me ? 

Buster. — My dear fellow, I can't leave my wife in the middle 
of a horse show, I must take her home ! 

Cato — Of course ; but after you have left her at home, where 
shall we meet — when — how ? 

Buster — She insists on my dining at home, and then taking 
her to the opera ! 

Cato. — But what am I to do all that time ? 

Buster. — Go to the Club ! 

Cato. — I can't; half the fellows know my wife, and I couldn't 
take them — the whole club — into our confidence ! 

Buster. — Go to Cremorne, dine there, and wait till I come. 

Cato — Cremorne by daylight, before the lamps are lighted, 
with nobody but waiters and the checktakers on the premises ! 
Can't you th ; nk of something that will occupy my time till nine 
o'clock ? 

Buster. — What do you say to a game of billiards ? 

* 

Cato. — Splendid. I'll give you ten points in fifty, and play you 
for a sovereign ! 

Buster. — Don't I tell you I can't leave my wife ? 

Cato. — I'll give you fifteen points and make it a five pound 
note. 

Buster. — Impossible ! 

Cato — But my dear fellow, consider my melancholy situation. 
I dare not show myself anywhere in town ! 

Bus. — Then take a cab and go for a drive in the country. My 
dear Cato, I proposed a night at Cremorne, but I did not under- 
take to find you employment for all the hours of the day. Stop ! 
I know a quiet little public house, the Swan, at Chiswick, quite 
retired — not a soul there. They know me — take my card. 
(Hands him a card). '! here you are! Have a tea dinner and a- 
game of skittles with the landlord ; he is a splendid fellow — will 
do anything for us. I defended him at the Old Bailey, case of 
burglary — got him off. He will treat you well — Bye-bye! Supper 
is ordered at 11 ; don't wait for me. I'll come, if I can ! (Exit 
C. D.) 

Cato. — This is not what I expected when I entertained the 
proposal to make a night of it ! when I entertained a vague idea 
of reckless dissipation ! the picture of a tea dinner in a retired 
public house did not present itself to my fevered imagination ; a 



31 

burglar, however splendid, was not the lovely companion, and 
skittles was not the occupation I dreamed of. Oh, dear, I begin 
already to repent. I leel depressed in spirit. I would not dare to 
confess it to Buster, but I want to go home to Josey ! Can't I 
make some excuse ? I can say I was taken suddenly ill on the 
train ! Yes, that would do ! No — I forget ! It wont do ; for after 
we had retired to rest that infernal telegram will arrive from 
Nottingham. I can't explain being in a telegraph office at Not- 
tingham and being in bed in London at the same time. That 
alibi would convict me. 

{Re-enter Buster hastily C. door). 

Bus. (L.) — Arabella is coming up the street ; she has not seen 
me. I must slip around this way by the station and regain the 
horse show before she returns to the hall. {Exit into railway 
station L). 

Cato {runs up and looks ojfR.) — Mrs. Buster, coming ! What 
shall I do ? 

{Enter Podd C. door — He looks up L.) 

Podd. — I just escaped the rain. 

Cato. — Podd, my clerk, he must not recognize me ! {Turns to 
R. H. and pulls up his collar as he advances to R. C.) 

fPoDD going across to L. H. door. ) 

Por. — The train for Kentish Town, Hempstead, Highgate ? 

Podd. — A.11 right ! I am going to Kentish Town. I'm just in 
time. 

Cato {at R. H. door.) Where can I hide for one moment ? {He 
opens R. H. dcor — looks in suddenly — closes it. ) Oh, Lord, my 
wife ! She's in there ! 

(Podd at L. H. door, searches for his ticket to show the porter. 
A four wheel cab drives up to door in F. Enter Derringer — gets 
out of it. ) 

Der. {down L.) — I thought I should never find a cab ; this 
fellow is the only one on the stand. How it rains ! 

(..'. e crosses to R H. door and Cato runs up to C. door.) 

Cato. — Oh, dear ! here comes Mrs. Buster. * odd blocks that 
door, and my wife is in there. I am surrounded on all sides. Oh! 
{He opens the door of the cab and jumps in ; closing it after him, he 
pulls down the blind. ) 

{Enter Josey R. ifort Podd L. ) 

Jos. — What a time you have been ! Have you found a cab ? 



32 

£>er. — All right — here it is ! 

(Enter Mrs. Buster C. door.) 

Jos. — Arabella, why where is the Serjeant ? 

Arab. — The monster, he left me in the horse show an hour 
ago ; it is all over. They turned me out. I am looking for him. 

Der. — Now, jump in. (Tries to open the door.) It sticks 
very fast. (He opens the door of the cab ; it is pulled to from 
the inside.) Hallo ! what's that? There is somebody inside. 

Cato (inside.) — This cab is engaged. 

Der. That's cool ; he says the cab is engaged ; of course it is. 
I engaged it, sir ; this cab is mine. 

Cato. Drive on, coachman ! 

Der — Stop — not until I have your name. 

Cabman. — Now, then, aint you done ? 

Cato (putting out his arm offers a card.) — There, sir. is my 
card ; take it. 

Der. (talcing the card and advances.) — I will hold you answer- 
able wherever you are. 

Cato (putting his head out at front window.) — Cabby, Putney 
Common ; a Sovereign if you gallop all the way. 

Cabman. — All right, sir. Hay! (He whips his horse. The cab 
disappears.) 

Der. (reading card.) — Mr. Sergeant Buster, Pump Court. 
A.R4B. — My husband ! (Derringer rushes up and shakes his 
fist after the cab.) 

(Bell rings.) 

Por. (at door L. H.) — Passengers for Bedford, Leicester, 
Derby, Manchester. 

THE ACT DEOP FALLS. 



33 



ACT III. 

Scene. — Two rooms in a hotel, with the intermediate corridor. 
Doors in the partitions. Staircase and door at bach Supper 
tables laid. Swallbach, a German head ivaiter, seated in R. H. 
room. Joseph, a ivaiter, is holding a back of a fire shovel to 
his eye. 

Swall. Ah ! ce — ahee — Gott in himmel ! I zall be plind my life. 
Joseph. How did you do it? 

Swall. Ach ! you vool. It vas not me It vas der gork der 
von champain bodel. (Victor hurries in by corridor to R. H. 
room. He carries a bandage and a, tomato. ) I vas open it. I 
gut der string, ven bom — it dos dam gork — he zhot me in de eye ! 

Vic. Here 13 the best thing in the world for a black eye. 

Swall. Vas ist das ? Ein domato ! 

Vic. Tomato ! the finest plaster ! 

Joseph. It aint to compare with a bit of raw beefsteak ! That's 
the reg'lar cure ! 

Vic Beefsteak ! You English imagine to yourselves the beef- 
steak is cure for everything. 

Swall. Sacrement, vile you vight your beefsteak and domatoes, 
mine eye is glozing up. {They bind the bandage over his eye, 
placing the tomato under it. ) Ach ! das vos goot, zo it is. 

{Bell rings.) 

Vic. There's the office bell! 

Swall Quick, it isbardy for supper. Make ready. {He rises. 
Exit Victor) 

(Cato enters the corridor His hat is smashed His coat is cov- 
ered with dirt and he wears a false nose. ) 

Cato. This is what Buster calls making a night of it ! Buster 
drew out the programme. Buster composed the entertainment, I 
consented to play a part in the piece ; but if the incidents iu store 
for the next three hours resemble what I have gone through al- 
ready, I shall not live to see the morning. Waiter ! 



34 

{Enter Joseph. Swallbach and Victor light the lamps in R- 
H. rooms and exeunt. ) 



Joseph. Sir, what can I get for you 1 

Cato. A clothes brush. (Bell. Enter Victor.) 

Joseph. Coming, sir. Victor, the gentleman wants a brush. 

Cato. Stop — there's a cab at the door. Ask the fellow what's 
his fare. 

Joseph. How shall I know which cab it is, sir? 

Cato. You can't mistake it. Look at me ; the vehicle is in a 
similar condition ; so is the horse. You will find the cabman in- 
side, very drunk ! 

Joseph. All right, sir. {Exit.) 

Cato. Now, I can release myself. {Takes off his nose.) Oh, 
what a relief that is! After achieving that hairbreadth escape 
from detection by my wife, we drove at a most illegal speed to 
Turnham Green ; pulled up once in Knightsbridge to buy this 
nose. When I got to Chiswick I found I had forgotten the ad- 
dress of Buster's friend, the cheerful burglar. It was only half-past 
six o'clock and raining in torrents. The cabman said his horse 
was done up and as he had to go home to change his animal, I 
pulled out my purse — you cannot picture my despair when I found 
I had given all my money — five pounds — to Buster! I was obliged 
to stick to that cab. I have passed the evening in that cab. The 
fellow drove me home — to a stable-yard in the Old Kent Road. 
There he took out the horse and left me in the cab for two hours, 
at half a crown an hour. It was raining in torrents for two hours. 
He came back — drunk ! Oh, so drunk that even the horse seemed 
to look on in doubt as to the propriety of trusting him with the 
reins I had no alternative. I put him inside, mounted the box 
and drove the vehicle myself. It was raining in torrents. All 
went iairly — I may say swimmingly — till I tried to pass a dust 
cart in Millbank ; caught the hind- wheel, and over we went. I 
landed amongst the ash-barrels. A friendly policeman soon put 
us right again. The cabman inside did the swearing, and I drove 
here! 

{Re-enter Joseph.) 

Joseph. The man says it is two sovereigns, sir, you promised 
to give him. 

Cato. One The rogue sees double. 

Joseph. Well, sir, he says if you won't pay it he wants your 
number. 



35 

Cato. My number? 

Joseph. You had best take his, sir, and give him your card. 

Cato {Aside. Oh, the deuce ! that would never do ! {Aloud.) 
Pay the fellow what he asks, and put it on the bill. 
Joseph. What name, sir ? Who shall we charge to ? 

Cato. My name ; oh, charge it to Buster I am going to sup 
here with Serjeant Buster's party. 

Cato {takes off his duster and hat — gives them to Joseph.) 
Joseph. The Serjeant is well known to us here, sir. Quite 
right, sir! {Exit.) 

{Enter Victor tvith a brush.) 

Vic. Here is a brush, sir — is that all for the present 1 
(Victor "brushing him.) 

Cato. You don't think a man who has eaten nothing since 
halt-past eight this morning can stay his stomach with a clothes- 
brush ? I want a room — the best, warmest, cosiest, you have 
and supper for four. 

Vic. Here is the very thing, sir. We kept this for Mr. 
Buster's party. {Showing Cato into L. H R ) 

Cato {looking around.) Very snug — uncommonly snug — but 
what door is that? 

Vic. {opening door in flat.) It slides back, sir; so as to throw 
the two rooms into one when we have a large party. 

Cato. Ah ! very convenient, but on this occasion if you have 
another party in there, they can overhear all that passes in this 
room. Have you not something more private ? 

Vic Step this way, sir ; here is the very room you require — 
{Enters R. H. room) — quite retired; tiled in, sir, with a window 
overlooking the gardens. 

Cato. Excellent ! Your name <? 

Vic. Victor ! 

Cato. Here's a crown for you ! {Feels in his pocket. ) 

Vic. Thank you, sir ! 

Cato Put it in the bill — charge it to Buster ! Now for the 
supper. I am as empty as a drum 1 

{Enter Swallbach.) 

Vic. The Head Waiter will take your orders, sir ! 

Cato. I feel as if I could eat an elephant roast and drink the 



36 



Rhine Has the supper been ordered ? 

Swal. Not a yed, sir ; de Zergent he lefe it do me. 

Cato (Aside.) Who is this foreign Cyclops ? 

Swall. Ed a vayter, sir, to zerve you ! 

Cato. From Servia ? So I should think from your appearance 
— got a Bashi Bazook in the eye? 

Swall. Nein, a gork in de eye, sir. in Champayne. 

Cato. Ah ! reminiscence of the French war. Well, now for 
supper. Supper for four. Let me see — oysters, anchovy toast, 
cold salmon, a spatchcock, a lobster salad take care the insect is 
fresh ; half a dozen woodcocks, broiled — nicely underdone — on 
toast ; dessert and Roman punch ! 

Swall. (repeats to himself the list as he twites it down,) 
Hysters, to set anchut ; Solomon gold, mit a despatcher cock ; 
zalad, mit lobster, afterwards a would-be cock, broil on toset, 
unterdone, mit Punch Romaine in de desert ! Now vor de 
wein ! 

Cato. Champagne — two bottles dry. 

Swall: Doo bodies ! in der middle of four beeples — it is eight 
boddles ! 

Cato. Go it — eight bottles — they have got to last all night. 

Swall. Und dis is vor your aggount — to your name ! 

Cato. No ; Buster. Change it to Sergeant Buster only serve 
it as soon as you can, and Victor 

Vic. Monsieur. 

Cato. If any one calls for Mr. Alfred— I expect a lady— two 
ladies— you will show them in here ; don't admit any one else ! 

Vic. All right, sir. (Exit.) 

Cato (Aside.) I think I am pretty safe at last— snugly tiled in, 
no one will recognize me here. (Aloud.) You understand that 
I am Herr Alvred ! 

Swall. Yaw, zir; anything you vish— you can rely on us, Mr. 
Dove. (Going.) 

Cato. What did he say 1 What remark did that Polyphemus 
make ! 

Swall. If I had mein eye— mitout dis— dot it is you shall not 
vorget Smallbach, of de Cafe de la Mad'laine, Paris, vere you 
come so often to dine mit dot putiful lady ! 

Cato. (Aside.) My wife ! [Aloud.) You mistake me for ano- 
ther person. I'm often confounded with him — he's a — a Scotchman 
from— a — Derbyshire. I'm an American just arrived from — a — 



37 

the Centennial— why, certainly— don't you hear, I'm an Ameri- 
can, I am ! 

Swall. Zertainly— yaw— I gompre-end, I didn't see before. I 
make mistake. 

Cato. Of course, how can you remember me with only one eye I 

Swall Dass a fax. 

Cato. My name is Tyler— Dewitt Q. Tyler, of Tippecanoe, 
New Jersey — you will recollect ? 

Swall. Yaw, Mr. Dove. I vill not forget. 

Cato Tyler ! 

Swall. I understand, Mr. Dove ; don't be avraid I vorset. 

(Exit) 

Cato. That could not happen to anyone but me ! now I must 
buy the discretion of that one-eyed monster at any price. I must 
charge him to Buster. {Looks at his wa'ch.) Five minutes to 
11, and not a soul arrived to relieve my solitary misery. Six 
hours since I parted from my wife — it seems like six months — and 
this is making a night of it. May I never make another ! Oh, 
Josephine ! if you knew how I am being served out ! You can't 
hear me swear, but I do, never again to go and try the taste of for- 
bidden fruit ! 

Enter Buster, C. 

Buster Waiter, which is Mr. Alfred' s room ? 

Joseph. {Meeting him.) This way, sir. 

Cato. Buster — at last ! 

Buster. If you knew what I have gone through to get hepe — 

Cato. Take it, put it under a microscope, magnify it 40,000 
times, and you will see the horrible secrets of my life during the 
last six hours ! but the clouds have cleared away. " The night 
has passed, and joy cometh with the morrow." Now we will 
enjoy ourselves, eh ? 

Buster. I wish I could, but it is impossible. 

Cato. What? 

Buster. I can't stop. I have left my wife at the Opera ; took 
a Hansom cab, and came down here to tell you how unfortunate 
it has turned out. 

Cato. Unfortunate ! 

Buster. I am in a worse fix than you are. I'm obliged to 
give up this party. 

Cato. What — give me up? 



38 

Buster. I must run back to my wife, who — {looking at his 
watch) — I left at the Opera. I had the greatest difficulty in per- 
suading her she was in fault this afternooD, when I left her at the 
Horse Show. I can't play the same card twice in one hand. 

Cato. And you are going to leave me with these two ladies that 
you have invited ? 

Buster. Don't be alarmed. I have telegraphed Closerie not to 
come — I have put her off. 

Cato. Put her off? 

Buster. Certainly, and I have no doubt she has told Zulu — so 
neither of them will come. 

Cato. But what am I to do? 

Busler. Go home ! 

Cato. Go home ! — 1 can't. You forget I am at Nottingham ! 
how can I explain my return ? 

Buster Say the locomotive broke down on the road. 

Cato. How can I ? at ten o'clock, according to your calculation, 
she received my telegram to say I had arrived there safely. 

Buster. What the devil did you telegraph for? If you will 
spoil your wife by acceding to her caprices, you must accept the 
consequences. 

Cato. I hope you are not going to leave me in for it ! 

Buster. In for it ! I like that. I found you closeted with a 
lovely girl this afternoon — you agreed with me to have a jovial 
night of it. Here you are. I wish you joy, old man. I must be 
off. (Exit.) I have barely time to reach the Opera. (Disappears 
off atC.) 

Cato. But stop. Where am I to sleep ? I can't go home ; I 
can't prolong supper until 9 in the morn ng — that is the earliest 
hour I can decently present myself in Bolton Row. I shall be 
turned out of this place at 2 in the morning, then I must ramble 
about in the rain. It is raining in torrents still. I shall go and 
walk in iront of my own house, look up at the windows (Re-enter 
Joseph with glasses.) not daring to enter ; regarded with suspicion 
by the policeman. Oh, waiter ! I ordered supper for four. 

Jos. It is ready, sir ! 

Cato. Be good enough to say I only want it for one. 

Jos. Impossible, sir. It is too late now. It is cooked and 
coming up. (Exit.) 

Cato. But I can't eat all that ; it will look absurd. (Enter 



39 

Victor and Smallbach with dishes*) It is ridiculous. I can't sit 
down before all that, alone. I'll take a look into the coffee room, 
and if I see a congenial fellow there, I'll invite him to share my 
supper. (Re enter Joseph, preceeding Derringer.) 

Jos. This way, sir. 

Der I want a quiet room for a lady and myself. (Joseph 
enters L. H Room as Derrixgek follows Mm. Cato enters cor- 
ridor C.) 

Cato. I'll invite the first I — By Jove, here's the very thing I 
There's a military jovial cut about him I like. 

Der. This will do. I will go down and bring the lady. (Re- 
enters corridor. ) 

Cato. Sir, I beg your pardon. 

Der Did you speak to me ? 

Cato. Yes, sir I did myself that honor. I am a stranger 
here, you seem to be another. 

Der. I arrived in London this evening. 

Cato. In the army ? 

Der. Yes, sir. 

Cato. So am I — that is, I am in the 21st Middlesex, Lawyers 
Corps. Further ceremony is useless. Will you do me the pleas- 
ure of supping with me ? 

Der. You are very kind. Another time I should be very 
happy to improve your acquaintance, but I have a lady waiting 
for me in a cab at the door, so you must excuse me. 

Cato. You are going to sup with a lady. Happy fellow, I 
envy you. I was in a similar condition 

D^r. I hope you will allow me 

Cato. I understand 

Der. (To Joseph.) Lay supper for two 

Cato. Sir, your lady does not happen to have a female friend 
with her? If so, it would just suit me, for I have supper ready 
for four, and we could 

Der. (Stiffly.) No, sir, the lady is not the kind of person 
yon mistake her for. Good evening ! (Exit.) 

Oato I have no luck. (Exit Joseph.) 

Swall. De table is zerved ! 

Cato. (Entering Ms room) For four (Smallbach goes up 
corridor) My appetite is gone ! (Sits.) I shall not forget this 
party of pleasure in a hurry. Supper for four ! 



40 



Victor. Do you want anything else? 

Cato. (Rising furiously.) Yes. I want to break your head ! 
(Victor runs out.) The sight of those 3 empty chairs is a hollow 
mockery. (Takes off the covers.) Where on earth shall I put 
all that. Oh, I wish my wife was here 1 (Enter Smallbach with 
four bottles of Champagne followed by Joseph with four bottles.) 
What is that"? 

Swall. The champagne, sir, eight boddles 

Cato. You don't imagine I am going to drink eight bottles of 
wine ? 

Swall. Eight boddles vas order. Eight boddles vos put on the 
ice. And ven it is ice it must be trunk. It is already in de bill I 

(Exit Joseph.) 

Cato. All right, charge it to Buster ! 

Swall. Vera goot, Mr. Dove 

Cato. Tyler ! 

Swall. I sail not vorgot. I am tiscreet, Mr. Dove ! (Exit.) 

Cato. The Dutch idiot 1 He made me swallow an oyster the 
wrong way ! 

Enter Derringer and Josephine by corridor into L. H. room. 

Der. This way. (They enter L. H. Boom.) 

Jos. Oh, this is charming ! What a delightful day we have 
spent 1 There was only one drawback to my complete satisfac- 
tion, and that was the absence of my poor Cato. 1 wonder what 
he is doing now ? 

Der. Sound asleep, I dare say ; what a spooney little darling 
you are ? You made me drive all the way round by your house 
in Bolton Row to find that telegram. 

Jos. (Beads) 62 Bollon Row, London. Dear old Catydid — I 
do spoil him ! 

Cato. Oh, Lord ! I wonder what my wife is doing now ! Snug 
in bed, no doubt, dreaming of me. 1 wish she were here — or I 
was there ! 

(Enter Victor with the dishes to L. H room.) 

Vic. There are the oysters to begin with — what will you please 
order to follow ? 

Der. Josephine, you must select the supper. 

Jos. Must I? Let me see. 
(Josephine writes with pencil on paper which Victor hands to her.) 

Jos. I'll ruin you with a delicious bill of fare, 



41 

Cato. This bird is done to a cinder. I'll try the lobster — I 
used to be fond of lobster. (EaU) What's this — white India 
rubber, flavored with phosphorus? Oh, this won't do ! (Rings 
the bell ) 

Vic. ( Shouting from other room. ) Coming, sir. 

Jos. There I think that will be exquisite ! 

Der. Let the champagne be dry and not too cold. 

Vic. (Taking the list.) Very good, sir. 

Cato. Will they never answer the bell — (rings furiously) or 
must I tear the bell out by the roots ? 

(Victor crossing into R. H. room.) 

Vic. Coming, sir. (As he crosses he cries to Swalbach) Mon- 
opole dry for No. 9. 

Cato. Oh, you are here at last ! 

Vic. Beg pardon, sir, I was serving the party in the next 
room. 

Cato. Take that insect away — disinfect it, and — what do you 
call that bird ? 

Vic. Woodcock, sir. 

Cato. Yes, it is the woodenest I ever sat down to — take it 
away 1 

Vic What would you like instead, sir ? 

Cato. How do I know ? I can't choose — I can't think ! What 
has that party ordered in the next room? 

Vic. Here is their bill of fare, sir. 

Cato. Let me see what they are going to indulge in. 

(Swalb -ch entering L. H. R. with wine.) 

Swal. Dry Monopole. (Places bottle on table.) Any oder ting, 
sir? 

Der. Yes — brandy and soda. 

Swall. Vera goot, sir. (Exit.) 

Cato (Reading). Chicken salad — why it can't be ! This is the 
writing of my wife ! 

Vic. What, sir? 

Cato. Nothing — I am deceived. Truffled partridge, macaroni 
ItalienDe. 'hose I's are Josephine's — I'd swear to her I's a 
mile off ! My wife here ! in such a place as this — at this time of 
night, when I am at Nottingham ! Oh, dear ! Waiter ! 

Vic. Sir ! 

Cato What sort of persons are in the adjoining room? 



42 

Vic Oh, sir — I — really — yon must not ask me. 

Cato. Speak ! I'll — here's a five pound note. 

Vic. Well, sir? 

Cato. Put it on the bill — charge it to Buster. But, speak, who 
is there ? 

Vic. A lady, sir. 

C\to. Good figure — brown hair— regular features? 

Vic. Yes, sir, that's it. 

Cato. Dressed in blue ? 

Vic. Blue and grey. 

Cato. She is alone, or with another lady ? 

Vic. The other lady aint arrived yet, sir ; she is with an officer. 
I ihink the gentleman is 

Cato. An elderly man, aint he *? 

Vic Abcut twenty-six. You don't look well, sir ! 

Cato. It is the lobster ! 

Vic. Is that all you require, sir ? 

Cato. All I require? Get out — go! (Victor exits.) All I 
require It is very much more than I require I cannot believe 
it to be possible, my wife — my Josephine — here — there — with a 
soldier. I'll not believe it. (Entering the corridor. ) No one here 
What terrible truth am I about to discover through this keyhole ? 
(Looks through the keyhole L H. room.) There they are; she is 
looking down ; he is stooping over her. It is the young fellow I 
met here just now ; his arm is 'round her — now she looks up. 
Ah ! 'tis, 'tis she — my wife — Josey. I am losing my senses ! 

Der You little fool, what is that paper % 

Cato. Hush ! they speak, he called her "a little fool." 

Jos. It is the billet deux I received from Cato ! 

Cato. She is never going to read him my love letters — to feed 
him with my spoon ! 

Jos. Listen, (she reads the telegram) "Your darling one arrived 
here very sad — 

Cato. It is my telegram from Nottingham. 

Jos. {reading) Far from his Josey." What a wretched night 
he will pass - 

Cato. The spirit of prophecy was on me when I wrote that. 

Jos. (reads) But to-morrow, your faithful Bogamps will em- 
brace you, his beloved. 

Der. Bogamps? 



43 



Jos. That's a foolish pet name I gave him. 

Cato . How well I remember the moment ! 

Der. v ^ ell, old girl, I dare say he would not be sorry to be in 
my place . 

Cato. In his place. They are turning me into ridicule ; he calls 
her " old girl." What shall I do ? (Enter Swalbach with brandy 
and soda). Who is that? Where are you going with that wine % 

Swall. To the bardy in No. 9. 

Cato. Stop yes — that's a splendid idea. I — I'll do it — let 
me look at you ! 

Swall. Excoos me ! 

Cato. Stop, I tell you. Will you earn ten pounds, fifteen, 
twenty % 

Swall. Zwanzig? 

Cato . Lend me your apron — your bandage, all right ! 

Swall. Yat vor ? 

Cato. Twenty pounds ; hold that. (Pulls off his bandage and 
gives him to hold while fye puts on the apron, then the bandage, and 
finally takes the No^e from his pocket and puts it on ) Now give 
me your bottles of wine ? 

Swall. But I do not comprehend. 

Cato Twenty pounds ; put it in the bill; charge it to Buster — 
all right ! 

Swall Ah ! it is a joke, I zee — a joke mit dose beeples. 
Der. Are those fellows never going to bring the wine ? (He 
rings the bell violently.) 
Swall. Gromming ! 

Cato. Clear out. (Threatens Swalbach, who runs out.) 
Der. Oh, here it is at last! 

Enter Cato to h. H. room.) 

Cato, Gomming — yaw, mynheer — der wein— vat it is ! 

(Victor and Joseph bring dishes into L. H room, lay them on 
table and exeunt.) 

Der. Supper at last. Now, Josey, sit down ! 
Cato (flourishing the bottle behind Derringer's back) I'll Josey 
him ! 

Jos. What a singular looking waiter ! 

Der. He has only one eye, but that's a blazer ! 

(Cato opens bottle af wine and pours out three tumblers; hands 
them on salver.) 



44 



Cato (aside) I would like to break his head with the bottle ! 

Jos. (taking a glass) I was dying with thirst. 

Der. (taking a glass) The fellow tas poured out a third glass of 
wine. Don't you see there are only two of us, idiot? 

C. to. Yaw— ein — zwei — drei — I but it avay. (Retires and 
drinks it.) 

Dek. What are you doing? Are you out of your senses or 
drunk ? 

Cato. You object to it, so I put it avay. 

Der. Leave the room — we wish to be alone (Derringer 
speaks to Josephine.) 

Cato. (Aside.) They want to be alone The shameless woman. 
(Sits down.) She hears him avow his desire to be alone with her, 
and she does not — 

Der. (Tarns and sees him sitting d>wn.) Will you get out ? 

Cato. (Bjs°s.) (Aside.) She langhs. (Aloud.) I go. (Gains 
the door.) Oh, if I wasn't at Nottingham. (Turns.) If you sail 
vant any ting,s, you ring, and I am here. 

Der. Go to the devil ! 

Cato Ring always, as ofden as you blease. ( De hringe r offers to 
throiv the • ' ottle at him. Cato shuts the door — he listens.) 

Jos. I do believe the poor fellow is crazy — there is something 
the matter with his head. 

Cato. That's where it is 1 

Der. My darling Josey, you don't drink. 

Cato. His darling ! 

Jos. Yes, I do Jack. 

Cato. He darlings her, and she Jacks him ! (Looking through 
the key-hole.) I won't lose a word, nor a look — nor a gesture. Oh, 
dear ! I can't see. Hush ! they are not speaking — that's a bad 
sign What can they have to whisper about ? It is not allowed 
in a respectable house. Hush ! dead silence ! 

Der. (After drinking again.) Oh, that's lovely ! (Cato bursts 
in on them ) 

Cato. Gomming ! (Josephine screams.) 

Der. Are you mad ? 

Cato. Don't you vant zometing? 

Der. What the mischief brings you here ? 

Cato. (As he retires.) It was nothing — false alarm. (Meets 
Victor, who enters with salad, he takes it.) *"-alade ! 

Der. Put it down there ; take these things away. 

Jos. (Aside) How the creature eyes me. 



45 

Der. (Aside to her.) Don't be afraid. (Cato puts the salad on 
table— removes the dishes.) This salad is not mixed — where' s the 
oil and vinegar ? 

Cato. Gomminsr. 

Der. Waiter — champagne ! 

Cato. Gomming. (Brings the oil and champagne, aside, looking at 
J. sephine.) I wish it was prussic acid a n( j strychnine. (He pours 
the oil in Iter glass and the champagne in tj le salad.) 

Jos. Oh, what is he doiDg he's helping me to oil. 

Der. And pouring champagne in the salad. Will you get out 
and send us another waiter 1 

Cato. (Aside, going out.) He orders me out. (Bitterly ) Ah ! 
This is making a night of it ! (He listens.) 

Der. I'll stop further impertinent intrusion. (He locks the door.) 

Cato. He has locked the door. 

Der. There now, we are rid of that idiot. I hope you have 
enjoyed your 'evening. 

Jos. It has been delightful. 

Cato. They have spent all the evening together. 

Jos. It reminds mc of the days we spent together five years 
ago, when we used to steal out together unknown to my uncle, and 
you took me to see the fireworks at the Crystal Palace. 

Cato. I am seeing fireworks now. 

Der. What fun we used to have. 

Cato. Oh it has been going on for five years. 

Jos. My dear Jack you were the only being in the world I had 
to love ; and if you knew how I cried my eyes out when you 
joined your regiment. 

Der. Dear old girl ! (He kisses her hand.) 

Cato. He kissed her — I heard it ! 

Jos. But now, I shall see you every day. 

Der. Certainly. 

Jos. I shall introduce you to my husband. 

Cato. Of course ! 

Jos. You will dine with us every day ? 

Cato. I must take him in to board. 

Jos. You and Cato will get on splendidly. Why can't you 
come and stop with us altogether ? I'm sure Cato wouldn't mind 
it! 

Cato. Oh! Oh! Not mind it! 



46 



Jos. There is some one at that door. I heard a noise ! 

Cato. What are they about? (Looks through keyhole.) 

Derr. Surely, that Dutch scoundrel cannot be listening. If he 
is, I will teach him to attend to his own business. (He opens the 
door suddenly. Cato tumbles in. Derr seizes him.) What 
were you doing there ? 

Jos. Oh, Jack, don't, pray don't. 

Cato. Let me go ! 

Derr. Not until I throw you out of the window ! 

(In the struggle Cato's bandage and his nose falls off.) 

Cato. Oh, my nose ! 

Jos. My husband — it can't be you it is ! 

Derr . Your husband ? 

Jos . Why, Cato, what brings you here ? 

Cato. No, madam, that is not the question. I prefer to ask 
what brings you here ? Sir, I am the unfortunate husband of that 
lady, who has not been the dupe she has imagined. This after- 
noon I pretended to leave for Nottingham 

Jos. Pretended ! 

Cato. It was a trap, madam, to detect you as I have done. I 
have followed you in disguise all day. I have been a witness to 
your conduct with this gentleman, whom you call your darling 
Jack. Don't deny it ; it is useless. 

Jos. I don't deny it. This is my brother, Jack Derringer 

Cato. Your brother! No! no! 

Jos. Who returned from India this evening. 

Derr. And who certainly did not anticipate the pleasure of 
meeting you in this manner. 

Cato. Oh, my angel! Oh, forgive me — if you knew — I 
thought — your hand Porringer ; forgive me. 

Derr. Derringer! 

Cato. I beg your pardon. I am so confused — I mean so relieved. 

Jos. And you really suspected me capable of acting such a 
part? Oh! Oh! 

Cato. No ! no ! I didn't - that is, I was a jealous fool ! 

Derr. (Lighting a cigar.) It is past now. Let us forget and 
forgive. 

Cato. I do — I forgive. 

Jos. Oh, Jack don't smoke here, please ; it always makes me 
ill. 



47 

Deer. All right, Josey ; I'll take a turn in the garden and leave 
you together. 

Cato. Let him smoke. You shall smoke all over my house. 
I am so grateful to him for being your brother. He shall do what- 
ever he likes ! 

Derr. That's hearty. I'll take up my quarters with you. Sling 
me a berth in any corner brother Jack is not particular. 

(Exit by corridor.) 

Cato. Josey, Josey, throw your arms around me — take me 
home ! Oh, if you only knew how I have loved you all this 
blessed — I would say infernal evening. Oh, never let us part 
again ! 

Jos. You dearest of foolish fellows ! Do you think I regret 
your jealousy? Why, I am delighted you were miserable, for it 
shows the depth of your love for me. What ! you have been sus- 
pecting me? That's delicious! And spying alter me? Oh, 
Cato, you darling, there are so few husbands now-a-days, that 
love their wives well enough to be jealous of them ! 

Ca^o. Love you ? Josey, I adore you ! I never look at any 
other woman ! (Cato embraces Josephine.) 

(Enter Zulu and Joseph into corridor.) 

Zulu. Which is Mr. Alfred's room? I am late. 
Joseph. Mr. Alfred? (Bell rings.) Coming the room on 
your right. (Exit.) 

(Zulu as he speaks has her back to audience.) 

Zulu. On my right. Oh, this is it; No. 9. Here goes ; of 
course Closerie has not come. 

(Zulu knocks at L H. door.) 

Jos. Some one is knocking. Oh, perhaps it is Jack, who has 
finished his smoke. Why does he knock? 

Cato . He means it as a delicate attention . Dear old Jack ! 

(He opens door, sees T^iso and shuts it.) (Aside.) Oh, Lord, 
Zulu! 

Zulu. (Knocking .) Don't shut the door, it's me ! 
Jos. Who is it? 

(Cato keeping door shut and locking it. ) 

Cato . Nobody ! It is an old gentleman who — who — has mis- 
taken the room ! 

Zulu (Knocking .) Are you going to open the door? Come, I 
say, Alfred, none of your larks . 



48 

Jos. There, he is knockiDg again! 

Cato No ; it is next door, I assure you ! 

Zulu. Will you open the door 1 Oh, don't be a fool ! 

Jos. Do see what the man wants, 

Cato. Never mind him — he will go away when he's tired. 
(Aside ) Oh, dear, what shall I do? 

Jos. I will sen d him about his business. ( Goes to door. ) 
Cato. I am lost! Where can I retire? Oh, if I could sub- 
side into my boots ! (Sees the door in F. ) Ah, the next room ! 

(Slides back door, disappears as Josephine, opens door R. and 
admits Zulu.) 

Jos. A lady ! 

Zulu I beg your pardon. Where is Alfred? 

Jos, I beg yours, madam ; there is no Alfred here. 

Zulu. So I see. but he was here. We met this morning, and 
he invited me to sup with him this evening. 

Jos. My husband invited you to sup here ! It is false, ma'am, 
I won't believe it ! 

Zulu. Your husband ! In what acceptation of the word, 
madam ? 

Jos. Oh, I can't stand this ! (Cato appears in corridor.) 

Zulu. Nor can I. Where is he? I'll teach him to play the 
fool with me. Oh, here's another room! (Exit door in F . fol- 
lowed by Josephine, as Cato enters R. H. Room and locks door.) 

Cato. Just escaped that explosive female ! but how shall I ex- 
plain my disappearance to Josey ? I am becoming enmeshed in a 
web of lies. Caught in my own pretences. I wish I had Buster 
here to help me ! (Enter Buster in corridor.) 

Buster. I left Arabella at home. I said I would go out in 
our square to smoke a cigar, and here I am ! 

Cato. I don't hear the raging of the wild animals ! 

Buster. (Trying door R. H. Room.) Locked on the inside I 
(Knocks.) Sympathy teaches us discretion. 

Cato. There she is ! 

Bustek. (Whispering.) Whist! 'Tis I ! 

Cato. Oh, yes. I'm going to let you in — in a hurry ! 

(Re-enter Josephine into L. H. Room. ) 

Jos. Where can Cato be? He was not there. He must 
have gone out by this door I (As she opens door she meets 
Buster.) 



49 

Buster. Mrs. Dove ! here ! 

Jos. Oh, Serjeant, how glad I am to see you ! (Buster enters 
L. H. Room.) Where's niy husband? 
Buster. He's at Nottingham ! 
Jos. ^o, he is here ! 

Buster. Here? It can't be ; you are mistaken ! 
Jos. I tell you I saw him ! 
Buster. It must have been an optical — er — delusion. 

(Cato who has been listening inside Ms door.) 

Cato. I'll take a peep, and if I find the road is clear, I will 
run for it ! 

Jos. (Sitting down and holding her head in helpless confu- 
sion.) Am I going mad? 

(Re-enter Derrixger doivn corridor.) 

Der. Surely that lady talking to the waiter must be my little 
bombshell friend in the artillery ! 

Cato Porringer ! I am saved ! Come, come in here ! (Drags 
Derringer into R. H. Room and closes door.) 

Der. What's the matter? 

Jos. I spoke to him, I tell you ; he followed me. 

Buster. Where to — have you been to Nottingham? 

Jos. Oh, you are all in a plot to drive me out of my senses ! 

Cato. I am in a frightful mess. You can save me, if you will. 
Not for my sake, but for hers — for Josey's. Listen ! (Cato 
speaks apart to Derrixger.) 

(Re-enter Zulu with Victor.) 

Victor. You mistook the room, Miss, this is Mr. Alfred's 
room. 

Zulu (Entering R. H. Room.) Ah ! there you are ! 

Der. (To Zulu.) Keep quiet. It is all a mistake. (To 
Cato.) I understand it all. Leave it to me. I'll pull you 
through ! 

Zulu. I declare, it is my friend in the artillery. 
(Enter Arabella, in corridor with Joseph. Derringer, Zulu and 

Cato speak apart.) 

Arab. So, you say Sergeant Buster has a supper party here, 
to-night? 

Joseph. Yes, ma'am ; one of the ladies is here — the other 

Arab. One is enough, sir ! (Exit Joseph.) 
Bus. My dear soul — don't take on so ! 



50 



Arab. That's his voice ! He's with her in here ! 

Jos. Don't leave me ! 

Bus. I must get back to my wife, or she will suspect something 
is wrong. 

Arab. (Bursting into L. H. room. ) Villain! I have detected 
you at last! Josephine — Oh ! it was Mrs. Dove ! This is too 
much ! 

Jos What ! do you dare to insinuate, madam, that you enter- 
tain any doubts about me? 

Arab. None whatever, ma'am ! The place, the position in 
which I find you, leaves no room for any doubt whatever. 

Jos. Oh this is too much! (Josephine rings tlie bell furi- 
ously. ) 

Der. Rejoin your wife at once ; we will follow you. 

Cato. Zulu — Porringer — I shall owe you my life ! (Cato 
crosses from R. H. room to L. H. room.) 

Arab. While your infatuated idiot of a husband is at Notting 
ham, you replace your fool with my knave. Cato ! 

' ato. Go on, Mrs. Buster. Take it out of me. I am used to 
it this evening. 

Jos. Cato, you will explain to that lady how I came here. 

Cato. (Dignified.) My wife, madam, came here with her 
husband — with me ! 

Jos. She charged me with impropriety. 

Cato. If she entertains such charges against any one here, 
charge them to Buster ! 

(Enter Derringer with Zulu.) 

Der. I am sorry to confess I am to blame for all this. Allow 
me to explain. On my arrival this afternoon I met this lady, an 
old friend of mine and I invited her to sup here to-night. Miss — 
a — (Aside.) What's your name ? 

Zulu. Zulu ! 

Derr. Miss Zulu, accepted the invitation, and in the excitement 
of meeting my sister, I totally forgot all about it. Miss Lulu 
came 

Zulu. Zulu ! 

Derr. Found her place occupied. 

Jos. Ah. then you were the Alfred she wanted ? 

Derr. Yes ; she always called me Alfred as a — a — short for 
Jack. We are such old friends. I 



51 



Arab. Stop, stop, this is all very clear so far; but when I ar- 
rived here, the waiter downstairs told me that snpper had been 
ordered for two ladies bv Sergeant Buster. 

Cato (Aside.) Now he's in for it — go it — charge it to Buster. 

Buster. By mc — ordered by me ! Where is the waiter? 

(Enter Swallbach.) 

Swall. Gomming, sir. Here is der bill ! 
Arab. (Taking it.) Twenty-seven pounds six. 
Jos. Oh, what can they have had to come to that? 

Buster. No, no; I appeal. My lords and gentlemen of the 
— that is — I fcrget. This is absurd ! (Aside.) Oh ! the luxury 
of being falsely accused ! It is a new sensation ! 

Derr. Allow me to explain further. When I ordered supper 
for this lady and her friend the waiter asked me for my name, and I 
handed them my card, as I thought. By mistake, I gave them a 
card I received from a scoundrel of the name of Buster, who stole 
my cab this afternoon ! 

Buster Arabella, tell him that was not me ; say it was some 
other scoundrel. Save your husband's honor ! 

Arab. It could not have been you. for I found you wating for 
me at the Horse Show. I will do you that justice ! 

Buster. Virtue is triumphant ! ! ! 

Cato. Who could it have been % 

Swall. Das ist vera good ; but who is to pay the bill ? 

Derr. I'll settle it! (to Zulu.) I think the supper is ready in 
the other room. (Exit Zulu into R. H. Boom.) 

Cato. No we can't allow you to pay ! (He takes the bill from 
Swallbach.) Can we Charley? We demur. Waiter, this is 
our affair. Buster, we must settle this. 

(Exit Swallbach into R. H. Room.) 

(Buster and Cato follow Swallbach into corridor. Der- 
ringer takes the wine and pours out glasses full for the ladies.) 

Derr. Come, ladies, in the absence of your husbands, let us 
drink a toast ! 

Cato. (Drawing Buster forward.) My dear fellow! one word 
with you. You tempted me to make what you called a night 
of it! 

Buster. You did not know how to make one 1 

Cato. Possibly ! but I'll never attempt to make another ! I 
have tried the taste of forbidden fruit. I don't like it! A fast 



52 

life looks charming to those who see it as spectators look at a 
play, but you have introduced me behind the scenes, and I prefer 
the illusion to the reality ! 

Buster. (Mourn fully.) There is no illusion about Arabella. 

Derr. Now, ladies, are you ready ? 

Cato. (Listening.) Hush! 

Jos. Here's to my darling, Cato — the best, truest, most devoted 
of husbands. 

Buster. Do you hear % 

Cato. I do, and I b^ush ! 

Arab. Here's to my dear old Charley, whom I confess I have 
wronged by my suspicions. 

(The ladies drink.) 

Cato. And you said there was no illusion about her ! Oh, 
Charley, Charley ! if you found your wife out in such infidelity as 
you indulge in daily. Ah ! what would you say ? 

Buster, (Wiping away a tear.) I'd say — charge it to Buster ! I 

They embrace — as the ladies drink the toast the 
CURTAIN FALLS. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




